Great Expectations

In Charles Dicken’s classic work, Great Expectations, Pip goes through a series of events that causes him to reevaluate his expectations in life. He was initially content with the life of a blacksmith until he meets and falls in love with Estella who is a maiden of means. From that point on he dreams of becoming a gentleman who wins the hand of his fair maiden. Along the way, however, many things happen that cause him to reevaluate his lot in life. In Dicken’s original ending, Pip did not actually get the young lady and had to live with that disappointment, but Dickens later changed it to fulfill the romantic desires of his readers.

As we train our young adult children, we must constantly help them manage their expectations in life. Expectations, along with perspectives, habits, and appetites, form much of the basis for what our children hope to experience in life. As a parent, there is a great tension between wanting our children to have lofty dreams but also keeping them anchored in reality. It is so easy for us to slide from one extreme or the other by either extinguishing a dream before its time or giving hope that is based more on fantasy than reality. Either extreme can negatively impact our children. Proverbs 19:2 reminds us, “desire without knowledge is not good,” so we just don’t want to always tell them what they want to hear. Still, Proverbs 13:12 celebrates how wonderful it is when we meet our expectations: “ … but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Much of joy in life is directly connected to expectations. For instance, a young adult living in America has so much more than a typical young adult living in a third world nation. Still, anti-depressants are a multi-billion-dollar business here in the states and teen suicide is on the rise. We have so much, yet many feel they have so little. In third world nations, there seems to be little problems with depression, anxiety, and suicide because they don’t expect the newest iPhone or a dozen thumbs up from their friends. What is the difference? American children have higher expectations than those living in an African village.

In helping our children set reasonable expectations, we need to help them think through a few things. First, are their expectations biblical? Are their expectations aligned with scripture or are they trying to imprint their will upon God? Are they wordly-minded or worldly-minded? Are they seeking first God’s big kingdom or is it simply about their own little kingdoms with all the accompanying gizmos and gadgets?

Next, are their expectations aligned with their present or potential skill set? If they are 5’ 8” it will be next to impossible for them to play in the NBA. Obviously, they can grow in their skill set, but can they grow to the extent that they can find a place at the table?

We can also include long-term goals like marriage and family. If they want to make mega money that will constantly demand seventy-hour work weeks, they will need to think through what that would do to marriage and family life as well as their local church life. For example, if a girl’s greatest desire is to be a homeschooling mom, how much time, energy, and money should she spend on a college degree or post graduate work? These are, of course, individual choices, but many make major life-decisions that will limit future choices. One young lady shared how all she wanted to do was be a stay-at-home mother to her three children, but the debt load she accumulated in college has made that impossible presently. This can be applied to what kind of car we drive and how big of house we live in.

One expectation that I personally try to communicate to my children is the thought they cannot have it all in life. For example, the bible is clear in testifying they cannot serve God and mammon. Their hearts will cling to one or the other, regardless of what they expect. Something always suffers somewhere. If they can make decisions with this in mind, it will help decide wisely.

Having said all of this, if there is a time for them to risk, it is when they are young and before major life responsibilities come their way. They must, however, be willing to live with the consequences if their expectations are not met. Personally, I would rather my children try and fail rather than live with regret all their lives with, “What would have happened if …” Again, there is a risk of loss with this perspective.

Expectations cannot be minimized. We must train our children to think wisely when making them. And they will make them; it is impossible not to. If they expect to receive six gallons of milk from their cow, but only manage three each day, will they be grateful for what God chose to give them, while trying to learn how to improve in the future or will they become embittered because God did not meet their expectations? Expectations can be great things if they are used to motivate but not define us.