How to Have a Happy Home

The importance of a happy home cannot be overstated. It affects not only the here and now, but it will also set the trajectory for our children’s future homes as well as our grandchildren’s. What a great motivation to do all in our power to create a positive atmosphere! Perhaps, however, joyful and edifying are the last terms you would use to describe your home life presently. What can you do? My answer? Look to Nehemiah who was tasked by God to rebuild the wall around a defenseless Jerusalem.

The first thing Nehemiah did was to have genuine grief for the situation that his home country, Israel, was suffering through. The temple and been demolished and the protective walls torn down. Nehemiah 1:4 says, “As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven.” Paul said godly sorrow leads to repentance (2 Cor. 7:9) which causes us to go from heartache to hopeful. If your home is a place of turmoil, sorrow is a wonderful starting point. However, do not just sit and dwell on what has happened in the past, go to the throne of grace on behalf of your future.

He then went before the king to get permission to go back to restore the walls around Jerusalem to take away their reproach. Nehemiah 2:5 informs us that he found favor in the king’s eyes, and he was given the resources necessary to start the rebuilding process. When we want to rebuild our family culture, we need resources as well. The good news is that we too have a King we can approach. He has all the resources we need between the Word of truth and the Spirit of truth, but we have not because we ask not. (James 4:2) Before surfing the web to imitate what others are doing, go to God in prayer and let Him show you what He wants you to do.

Next, Nehemiah went to Jerusalem and took an honest survey of the destruction. The local officials had no idea what he was doing, walking around the rubble. No doubt he was doing some deep soul-searching to make sure his heart was up to the challenge. Before we can see change in our children, we must long for change in ourselves first. As parents, we lead the way. Equally important, a positive environment is caught more than taught. Are we parents positive or critical? Do we look at discipleship as a box to check off or as a delight and privilege to perform? Do we think success is totally up to us or do we ask God to turn our hearts like water in an irrigation ditch before we ask Him to do the same with our children? (Proverbs 21:1) Our efforts without His grace will lead to discouragement and defeat, but with Him we are more than conquerors. (Romans 8:37)

He then shared his vision with others. The priests jumped onboard immediately, but the nobles felt like they were fine where they were at and didn’t want to see their position compromised. If your home is toxic, you may face some prideful and unforgiving resistance initially. That is okay; do not get discouraged. Just as Jerusalem was not rebuilt in a day, nor will your home be restored with joy in a week or two. Your children might get worse to test you to see if this is the real deal or if Dad and Mom just got home from a conference and are all fired up for a week or two before things returning to normal.

In Nehemiah 4 all hell seemed to rise in opposition according to the positive momentum. Sanballat and others mocked the Jewish efforts, especially in comparison to the enormity of the task. Nehemiah responded in prayer not threats. (Nehemiah 4:4) In a short time they had evidence of some success as the wall was joined back together to half its height. It seems like in times of weariness and doubt, God always gives us a mile marker of some kind to let us know we are making progress even when things are inching along at a snail’s pace. I would suggest that some of our slowest times are when the most important works are being done. Hearts are gradually being softened. Motives are being addressed by the Holy Spirit. We go through the long and quiet course of taking root downward so that we can eventually bear fruit upward.

The attacks then heated up as the non-Jewish residents could tell the work was being accomplished. Things were indeed changing. Their response consisted of threats of violence and personal attacks on Nehemiah. They knew if they could get the leader(s) the sheep would be scattered. Nehemiah did not give one inch but kept the vision of change. He also addressed the opposition of the poor by the rich. He appealed to them according to their heritage and God’s plan for everyone’s future. We may have a child who constantly criticizes his siblings. He needs to be addressed by the Word of God but always in love and prayer. Most children have a high sense of justice, especially to those who are weaker.

Finally, after a mere fifty-two days the wall was built. The whole demeanor of Jerusalem had changed. They went from a defeated people to one of hope, encouragement, and energy. What is sad was that they lived in a cycle of defeat for decade after decade, yet it took less than two months to change things once the vision was caught. This should encourage us! It does not matter how long your home has been stuck in the squalor of negativity and criticalness. By God’s grace and Nehemiah’s example, we can see the joy of the Lord restored in our home. Yes, there will be obstacles to overcome, most notably, our own perspectives. Some strong short-term measures may have to be taken. But remember, God can change things in a relatively short amount of time.

This month we are praying for change in our homes. Each request is doubled as I include some practical suggestions. You may initially wonder about some of the requests, “What does this have to do with encouragement in our homes?” but we are looking at root issues and not just behaviors. Talk about these with your older children. Some teenagers may be justifiably cynical. In that case, like Nehemiah, go around your house privately, crying out to God that He would send His grace. A little bit of time and a lot of God’s grace can go a long way.

If you want to join us in fasting, we usually reserve the second Tuesday of the month. May God blow on our homes with joy and encouragement.

1. Pray that each home and each person in the home will find their own rhythm of life in which their efforts are enjoyable and efficient.
   1. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. –Gal. 5:16
   2. Let my lord pass on ahead of his servant, and I will lead on slowly, at the pace of the livestock that are ahead of me and at the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir.”–Gen. 33:14

(Parents may ask their children, especially the older ones, if they feel like the family has a healthy lifestyle. Are we on the go too much? Rushing all the time? Perhaps we are too laid back and even lazy? Are we too involved in outside activities or are we too isolated? Parents, this is not a time to correct but listen.)

2. Pray that our homes will have a certain degree of organization and discipline which gives us extra time and freedom to accomplish things without the rushed feeling that we are always behind.
   1. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. –Proverbs 31:25
   2. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. –2 Cor. 9:8

(Parents may ask their children in what ways their homes could be more organized or disciplined. This could include making beds in the morning and having the house picked up at night. It could include getting up at a consistent time and having a loose schedule to guide us. It could mean having a meal plan for the week, so everybody knows what to expect and how to shop. It could mean talking the night before about what we need to do the following day. Remember parents, you are training your children how to run their future homes.)

3. Pray that our children will speak kindly to one another even as we speak kindly to our spouse and to our children.
   1. She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. –Proverbs 31:26 (NKJV)
   2. Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor. –Proverbs 21:21

(Ask you children to rate themselves on a scale from 1 (bad) to 10 (good) in speaking kindly to each other. Ask why they assigned that number. This could possibly open up to a glorious discussion and prayer time.)

4. Pray that God will stir us up to have a consistent schedule of devotions in the morning, whether that means individually, family, or both as this sets the tempo for the day.
   1. And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed. –Mark 1:35
   2. But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. –Psalms 88:13

(A challenge to parents, especially fathers, is to find some time each day—morning or evening—when they can read the bible with the family. This does not have to be a thirty-minute lecture but 15 minutes where we read, perhaps talk about what we read, ask for prayer requests, and pray. You can also share a testimony of gratitude toward God or a family song for worship.)

5. Pray that we parents will teach from positive reinforcement when our children do good rather than always correcting them the moment they do something wrong.
   1. A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. –Proverbs 24:11
   2. Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. –Proverbs 3:27

(Ask children if they feel like we see what they do right or if most of our comments are on what they do wrong. Parents, be ready for the answer! You may need to apologize.)

6. Pray that our family members will discover the glory of showing mercy to each other.
   1. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. –Matt. 5:7
   2. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. –Luke 6:36

(Ask children for examples of mercy in the bible or daily life. You may ask if they feel like they are merciful or critical.)

7. Pray that our children will have gratitude, especially for the little things in life, as this will help develop a perspective that sees the good in life and in others.
   1. give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. –1 Thes. 5:18
   2. Then King David went in and sat before the Lord and said, “Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far? –2 Samuel 7:18

(In addition to praying over your meals, you may ask each child to say one thing he is grateful for in the day. This will help them to start thinking along the line of what is good rather than what is bad.)

8. Pray that our children will be genuinely excited about the successes of their siblings and friends.
   1. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. –Phil 2:4
   2. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. –1 Samuel 18:3

(Encourage our children to say one thing they appreciate about one of their siblings, either to their face or go around the table at mealtime. This could be done weekly or 2-3 times a week.)

9. Pray that our children will have a heart to serve within the family context as well as without.
   1. So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. –James 2:17
   2. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. –James 1:22

(Encourage our children to do one act of kindness each day/week for someone in our home. This could be like a Secret Angel.)

10. Pray that we parents will be “in the moment” and “redeem the time” because the clock is ticking on the amount of time we have left with our children. We only get one shot at raising our children.
    1. making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. -–Eph. 5:16
    2. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. –1 John 2:17

(Parents, count how many weeks have gone by and how many remain until your child is 18. Tick-Tock.)