In Not Of

I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one.–John 17:15

One of the hardest tasks for Christian homeschooling parents to teach our children is how to be in the world but not of it. It is often a frustrating season that finds us taking one step back to take two steps forward. There are a few things that can help us navigate this dangerous passage with a little more grace and effectiveness.

First, give yourself and your aging children some grace to make messes. Many homeschoolers are not just first-generation homeschoolers, they are first-generation Christians. They are trying to raise their children in a way that is God-honoring while they are still finding what the way looks like for themselves. Helping our children discover and walk in God’s grace for themselves is seldom a nice and tidy process, though some act like it is. It can be a scary time, so scary that parents choose to keep their children on the shortest length of rope possible for the longest amount of time. This may give parents a partial sense of control, but it usually doesn’t help their children prepare for life. Worse yet, it can potentially lead to provocation or a dangerous sense of naivete.

Second, remember the power of a heart-felt apology when you inevitably do mess up. Young people respond well to authenticity but absolutely hate hypocrisy. They understand mistakes because in they make a lot of them. When you take responsibility for your actions, it will help them learn take responsibility for theirs. This one thing will do more to prepare them for their life journey than any other lesson you will ever teach in the homeschooling setting.

Third, be a dispenser of mercy. Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy. (Matthew 5:7). This should especially be true for our own children. When you communicate to your children that making mistakes is a part of life, you are giving them air to breathe. Far too many parents show conditional love and put the yoke of perfectionism on their children. This can be a heavy cross to bear and many eventually resent it, motivating them to break those yokes into pieces when they have the first opportunity.

Fourth, do not be overly concerned with what other people think about how you and your children wade through these waters. You give account before God or your children, not them. There are a few personalities who think the way you raise your children is somehow their business, and, worse yet, think they have a right to speak into your life when they haven’t earned it. What makes this so ironic is often their homes are out of order, and they don’t even realize it, or they have not yet gone through this season with their children and fail to understand theory and application are seldom the same thing. Fear of man produces a snare. (Proverbs 29:24) It urges us to jump through their hoops instead of God’s.

This is especially concerning because others don’t know your children like you do. Every child is unique as are his experiences. While general principles apply, they must always be contextualized. Sincere parents constantly question themselves, thinking everyone is doing better than they are. In humbly trying to use what works for others, they can unintentionally compromise the emotional health of their children. Furthermore, we cannot be so worried about winning every battle—or the approval of others—that we miss the main goal of parenting: winning the heart of our children and thus winning the war. While you should always be open to correction, the reality is God gave your children to you.

Fifth, learn to enjoy the uniqueness of each of your children, even when it is not easy or convenient for you. Our children have said the wrong things at the wrong times, and we felt embarrassed. But that is our problem as parents. We cannot let our pride interfere with God’s process and timing. We have a painting on our wall that reads Let him sleep for when he awakes, he will move mountains. I have wanted to take a pencil to that wall and add, “until then, he will make a lot of messes!” We must never let our children’s short-term immaturities overshadow their long-term possibilities.

Finally, cry out for God’s grace upon your home. Your teaching, discipline, vision, parenting techniques cannot change the leopard’s spots, the Ethiopian’s skin, or your children’s hearts. Only Christ can do that. (Jer. 13:23) Continue to look to Him, not as an option but as the very essence.

We must avoid the temptation of keeping our children from the world, lest they don’t learn how to interact with the world. Yes, it is hard to strike that perfect balance. We can protect too much sometimes and not enough at others, but the very fact we wrestle with this balance is proof positive we are actually in process of being in the world but not of it.