Hindsight is always 20-20. It is so easy to look back five or ten years after the fact and see what we should have done differently. This is especially true when it comes to parenting. Oh, wouldn’t we all like to go back and spend more time with our children or handle difficulties better than we did. Unfortunately, we cannot; however, we can start today right where we are. One of the enemy’s most used tactics is to suggest we missed our only opportunity. The truth is God’s mercies are new every day. (Lamentations 3:23)
Parenting, like life, is a process. It is a journey of great discoveries, profound and humbling lessons, and a litmus manifestation of our need of grace. Few people understand this reality or its generational implications. Sure, some have had better parental role models than others, but even still, being raised by good parents and becoming a biblical parent are not the same thing. Every new parental generation has unique lessens to learn because culture is always changing and therefore it brings new nuances of temptations and challenges as well as application of God’s word.
One of the most powerful things we can do with our young adult children, especially if they are angry or upset because of areas we missed, over emphasized, or under emphasized is to genuinely apologize. I am not talking about a sloppy or a pitiful apology like, “I’m such a bad parent. You would have been better off without me.” That is manipulation. Similarly, we should not make excuses for a fatherly or motherly miss but simply acknowledge that this was an area where Christ’s illuminating grace had not yet permeated in our lives.
I have started compiling a list of things I should have done or could have done better to share with my sons and other men. I do this to communicate to my children that there were times when I did not handle things as I should have. It may have been an instance of right motivation but wrong method. Or I moved out of frustration rather than intentionality. I am also doing this to help my sons avoid some of my pitfalls as well as reminding them they too will miss it when they are dads; nevertheless, we are still called to be fathers, imperfect though we are.
After taking responsibility through genuine apologies, we can ask them how they think we could have handled situations better. In doing this, we are giving them some space to vent, but it also helps them to think like an adult and not as a child, especially if we share our rationale for the decisions we’ve made. In this sequence, they may come to realize they see all the problems but offer no solutions. It is easy to be an armchair quarterback in life; plenty do it. Our young adult children might not realize how little wisdom they have. We can get upset with them or continue to guide them even if our pride is taking an undeserved beating. We must remember that it is not always worth being right. We may have to sit back regretfully and watch life teach our children expensive lessons they could have learned cheaply from us. Sure, we want to keep them from pain, but God often uses pain to teach.
The point is, rather than crying over spilt milk, what can we do TODAY. Rather than lamenting about the would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve beens of yesterday, let us ask God what we can do right now to reverse any damage. Don’t get me wrong, people will want to drag you back to the past where they have set up their own residence. While you may need to visit there temporarily to address the problems, you do not have to stay. You can both ask and give forgiveness. They may reciprocate; they may not. You cannot control your young adult children, but you can control your own response. Of course, you can always pray. You can repent of areas of sin or confess shortcomings that are not necessarily sinful but were still hurtful. We must, however, stop looking to the past and start believing for a brighter future. Lot’s wife was frozen in time because of the would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve beens for Sodom. Let us learn from her example in what NOT to do!
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